Peanut Butter? I Hardly Even Know Her!

Posted on September 6, 2018

had a small argument at work, needed to vent my thoughts on it.

the topic? smooth vs crunchy peanut butter.

spoler alert, this is a…


get out of here with that lumpy shite

so with that in place, lets get down to business (to defeat, the chunks)


this was the main point of contention. so lets just get this straight.

if you are toasting your bread for any amount of time that is more than a few seconds, you have texture in your toast

if you are using any sort of wholegrain bread you have texture in your toast

the chunks in chunky peanut butter make it:

  • harder to spread
  • harder to eat
  • hurt your teeth
  • increase variance of flavour in each bite

so get that shit out of here. moot point.

smooth v crunchy : 1 - 0


they taste the same, chunks add nothing, except they randomly increase/decrease the flavour based on the density of chunks you happen to have in that bite.

smooth gives you a consistent taste.

this is a good thing.

moot point, smooth wins this round.

smooth v crunchy : 2 - 0


crunchy peanut butter on toast looks like a pile of crunchy shit on a pile of jagged grains. looks terrible.

smooth contrasts with the roughness of the toast to form a nice balance.

moot point, smooth wins, maybe if you’re eating crunchy peanut butter on flatbread but if you do that you’re what we in the business call a fuarking weirdo and probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public.

smooth v crunchy : 3 - 0

final verdict

there we have it folks, smooth wins by a fizzityucking blow out so any haters are objectively wrong

if you disagree with this email me at and prepare to get ignored because i don’t talk to people with shit opinions on things that count, like this.

ciao all, enjoy your smooth peanut butter.